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houseofleaves

The 5 and 1/2 Minute Hallway
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Finding a muse.

1 min read
It's been almost 3 years since a journal update.

Life changes. So many changes. Being a mother changes a person. My art and my self have become secondary and I do not regret this.

We lost a piece of ourselves two years ago. And we rebuild.

So, here's to rebuilding, and finding my muse again.

<3

- C
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And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean
Swim out to where you were floating
In the dark

And if I was blessed
I'd walk on the water you're breathing
Lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest

'Cause they chose you
For the model
Of their empty little dreams
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in...

And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies
And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes

And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest
With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are under their shell

I'd walk through hell for you
Let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue
My soul is useless without you

And if they sent a whirlwind
I'd hold it
Like a harmless little tree
Or an earthquake
I'd calm it
And I'd bring you back to me
And I'd hold you in my weak arms
Like a first born

I'd walk through hell for you
Let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue
My soul is useless without you

Through hell for you...
Through hell for you...

Now I walked through hell for you
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you
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At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to sit all alone in the dark
And dream about things that I cannot say
you always said destiny'd blow me away
and nothing's gonna blow me away

At Cavanaugh Park
Where you used to take me to play in the sand
And said to me, "Son, one day you'll be a man
And men can do terrible things."
Yes they can

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be totally happy
I'm runnin' out of clock and that ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change

At Cavanaugh Park
We used to get high
Watching teams as they fought
They loved my friend Adam
But he always got caught
Man, that kid made fucking up look cool
Aren't we all so cool now? no

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be totally happy
I'm runnin' out of clock and that ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change

Never do change
Never do change
Never do change

At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to think that my life would be good
And I would do things that I thought that I should
And no one's gonna tear me down

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be totally happy
I'm runnin' out of clock and that ain't a shock
Some things never do change

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be totally happy
I'm runnin' out of clock and that ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change
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Holy crap.

1 min read
I haven't updated since Sebastian was born. About a year and a half.

I'm still around, sort of. I haven't updated anything for a while, but that's alright. I've been so busy with parenthood that I'm totally unsure that I have much creativity left at the end of the day. Do I regret it? Not at all. My heart is outside my chest now, and I love every minute of it.

I just wanted to say...um. Hi. Things are...swell. I suppose. I'm surrounded by good things. My mind isn't so good, but it's been worse, y'know?

That's all, really.

I hope to update more soon.
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Sebastian James was born at 10:24 pm on 10/25/06. He weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 19 inches long.

To make a very long story short, he ended up very dehydrated and lost a lot of weight very quickly, since he was early and didn't have the suck-reflex that he should have, on top of my breast milk not being in. We left the hospital with him weighing 5 pounds 11 ounces, and less than 48 hours later, on Monday, October 30th, he weighed 4 pounds 13 ounces. He was admitted into the NICU, and was treated there until the following thursday. I stayed with him in the pediatric unit at the hospital until Saturday, 11-4, and we came home.

Since then, he's been doing wonderfully. :) He's growing--he weighed in at 6 pounds 6.5 ounces on Monday the 13th (wow, yesterday...I'm losing my days! That seemed like ages ago!)

I'm so incredibly happy...here's a copy/paste from my Livejournal (x_konstantine_x.livejournal.co…):

So tired, but so worth it. :)

I'm wanting to write a letter to Sebastian, but I can't wrap my brain around it right now. His baby book has a space for a letter from me and Eli, and I know I'm going to get long winded and emotional while I write it. Seeing how it's 5 am and I have yet to sleep, I'm going to wait until I'm more rested (there's no such thing as well rested any more) to write to him.

I can say this though: I never, ever thought being a mother was this amazing and consuming. I have never ever felt this kind of love before...it's different than how I love Eli. It is indescribable...I understand now how heartbreaking and uplifting parenthood can and will be. I know I haven't experienced it yet, not to the fullest...but my God, I'm so lucky. We are so lucky, Eli and I, to have this amazing tiny little life handed over to us by God himself.

We have an incredible support system around us...from roommates and friends to family and great doctors. I don't know if there will ever be a way we can thank everyone for all the help they've given us so far, but if we were to try, I'm sure it would take a lifetime. The addage is true: it takes a village to raise a child.


I love motherhood so far, no matter how draining. I never knew I could be so in love with this tiny little person.

(On a side note: FFXII is like crack cocaine.)
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